This is a personal blog, nothing here should be confused as medical advice.
Weight, Food & Control
Weight has LONG been my strongest area of control.
It starts as a kid when the adults around you tell you what you should and shouldn't eat so you "don't get fat" or when they tell you you're "getting chunky".
It continues when you become a teen and there's no food in the house to eat. And when a doctor tells your family that your are "malnourished" and everyone laughs and calls the doctor names because you're too fat to be malnourished.
For me it continued on into my adulthood because living beneath the poverty line, food becomes a luxury and if there is any, you give it to your kids.
The last decade, it became a power struggle with my guides. A power struggle I've got to give up before my life implodes again.
In that light, I've committed to them that I will workout, multiple times a day, for the next 127 days. I will stop procrastinating. I will stop waiting on money to afford workout programs, workout clothes, etc. I will stop letting the anxiety of little food stop me. And most of all, I will stop letting the uncertainty of the destiny they've shown me, stop me.
They've shown me my purpose in this world. It is a purpose tied to another. It is a man I have no desire to be in a relationship with, nor does he want to be in a relationship with me. Until I lose this weight, they've told me there can be no union between us and when they say that I hear, if you don't want to do this, don't lose the weight.
So I've used the weight as my safety net. If I don't lose the weight, then I don't have to face this destiny.
That's not really how this stuff works though.
I probably need to stop being a rebellious teenager, and just do the thing, trusting that, as always, they know better than I do.
The weight isn't about appearance. It's about vibration, and things written in our soul contracts. It's about seeing if I will sacrifice with sweat, hard work, and sacrifice, to fulfill my destiny. It's an epic battle that unlocks doors, banishes blocks, and releases curses. I have to face this battle alone, and slay it. I have to lose the weight.
I trust them. I have faith in God. I have to stop worrying about what's to come, and use this rapidly closing window to change my body.
I have to surrender and trust. That's always the greater key.
So for today, I did a Liift4 workout and a yoga workout, that neared killed me. I'm sore and I'm tired, but I'm finally on the path.
Slaying vanity and ego... this vlog is raw, unedited, and completely, unbearably, vulnerable.
Just for fun!
These Lemon Pepper Glazed Cauliflower are from The Foodie Takes Flight, one of my favorite follows on IG.
Crispy cauliflower coated in a perfectly tangy, sweet, and of course peppery glaze. She fries her cauliflower but you can also bake or air-fry them!
The Reason I do this
Great love is my destiny.
I've known it all my life.
It's alluded me all my life.
When I married, I thought that would be it. But in that marriage, I actually gave up my dreams of great love, for something solid, and stable... sadly the man I chose turned out to be neither.
At my age, one might ask, why bother?
I've asked it myself countless times.
I've had several relationships, two that were very meaningful to me. The last relationship I was in was the one where I discovered twin flames, and while I don't believe that's who that man was, he was the awakening of my true spirituality, and he was the destruction of everything I'd been before him.
He is also the reason I fear romantic entanglements now.
However, in my heart of hearts, I know I am here to experience true, deep, passionate, soul connected love... and that involves a lot of sex!
Going back to what I said before, I have used weight like a protection, because if I'm a million percent honest, the kind of sex I want to have, you can't have in this body. But what if that kind of love and sex aren't real? I don't get hurt again if I don't try. And I won't try as long as I'm this overweight.
Today, I'm committing to, at the very least, trying.
Stepping out on faith, despite my fears, and believing in the God I know that is good and true, the universe I believe in that is kind and invested in souls finding one another.
I know he's out there, and I'm cheating both of us in my fear.
Everything about weight for me, is about fear and vulnerability.
Today I stop being afraid and I risk great vulnerability.
And I will choose to believe it works out for me in the end.
Today I start a 127 day fitness commitment with my guides. It is a commitment of surrender in one of the most vulnerable and scary places of my life.
The commitment is to workout, multiple times a day, to the absolute best of my ability, for the next 127 days.
This commitment is about strengthening an aging body. It is a commitment to care for the sacred vessel that houses my soul and my mind. It is a commitment of self-worth. It is a commitment that will enable the fulfillment of my destiny.
I make a sacred promise to see this path through. A commitment to prioritize this aspect of my life above all else, for the next 127 days.
127 days. of transformation, strength, and surrender.
August 17th, 2020 to December 22, 2020